Happy, sad, excited & worried

Hello again..

It's been 3 years since my last post, just wow how these 3 years been.

With just a blink of an eye there's so much things going on, I've seen so many things, experience so many first. However with ups comes downs as well although I manage to cope with all of it so far.

Now the biggest news ever, this bring everything to a whole new level. Last week, I accompany my wife for a checkup because she missed her period for 3 months. This isn't our first check up, we went there a month back but the doctor said nothing when he scanned her stomach. But last week we decided to check again because my wife is worry, and then the BIGGEST news happen! We saw a tiny 'person' during the scan!!! YES, she is pregnant!!! I am going to be a father!!! Words can never describe how I felt when I saw the scan, I literally almost burst into tears.

Now comes the bad part, no don't get me wrong I wanted to be a father. All the while I've always thought I'm prepare for parenthood but when I got the news, I went into a stage of confusion and worry. How am I going to be a role model to my child? Can I provide enough for my child? Will my child like me? You see, I've always acted like I'm ready to have a kid, and complaining on how others guided their kids but trust me when it's your turn to be a father, all this confidence just melted.

Selfish as it may sound, I'm started to missed the time me & my wife sweet time together. Ever since she felt she missed her period and suspect she is pregnant, our relationship started to slowly drift apart. No, it's not like we don't love each other, it's just the feeling is different now. Maybe is the hormone changes due to pregnancy where her priority now is the child inside her tummy. Silly as it may sound but I might actually be jealous of the attention the child is getting @@

Anyhow, LP journey teaches me a lot of things one main thing is BE who you are at all time and things will be ok. BE the small kid inside me! I AM A LOVING, CARING & RESPONSIBLE MAN! and I will be loving, caring and responsible for my future child and wife.

Too bad that you can't talk back to me, but I am glad, glad that I am able to just voice out all of these. My new journey has just started & it's getting more and more interesting and more challenging. I can't sweep off this feeling of happy, sad, excitement & worry like nothing, I know this is a challenge I must overcome.

So it's a start of a 'new world'

December 21st 2012. The day that everyone worrying look at because it's a prediction that the world is going to end. Well now I'm writing this, still alive and well. It's been a while since I've look back into my previous year and since have abandon my dear blog.

2012 has been one of the most exciting year in my 29 years, a lot of ups and downs. There's so much happiness, excitements, heartbreaks in this 1 year alone.

For the first time in my life, I got the chance to travel to overseas thanks to my company. This year alone I've been busy travelling to Singapore, Bangkok & Indonesia. A lot for someone who don't always got the chance to travel out of Malaysia. Although it's for working purpose, I enjoy every moment I'm there. Honestly although this company hasn't been the best out there but for me, it is the best among my previous jobs. For the first time, I have a feeling that I can achieve something in this company.

And finally I'm a married guy!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!
I've finally married to my sweetheart wife :) I can this is the highlight for me in 2012. Dear, ever since I've meet you, my life has changed alot. I knew from the moment you accepted my proposal to be my girlfriend, you will be my first and last girl friend. I've always have wonderful dream that I'll be marrying you and not my dream come true! Thank you so much for loving & caring for me dear!

Coming 2013, a new world a new year. There's so many things that I'll be looking forward for. Going to my honeymoon in HONG KONG ^^ and also planning my future with my beloved wife :) Getting my first property has been the next in my wish list, I'll work hard to save enough money to get it done! Wish all the best for me ya :p

So dear bloggy, I'll stop right here. Till we meet again!

Thoughts

Wow, it's been like ages since i last talk to you. It seems when nobody actually cared to listen to what im saying, at least i got you, you just keep quiet and allow me to express.

Well so far things isn't being going very well, I'm very stress with life. Although i brag that i've finish LP journey i still find it very hard to cope with real life journey, its a very hard road to go through. At times i really wish to end everything and RIP :(

It's wrong to think like that i know, but at times i just can't help it. Not only im fighting with myself to do better but i am fighting to maintain the relationship with someone i hold dear.

Does anyone ever listen that I'm very very very tired and stress? Now, because of that I've hurt someone i love a lot. :( I am sad, very sad right now the feeling is like i've commited a very big sin.

Life, sometimes I know life is tough and people keep saying once we gone through the toughness in life we will be enjoying life. I wonder when will it happen for me? Do i really have happiness? So far, what happen to me is all the hard road is this going to continue? I've tried so many things to find happiness and failed so many times as well, when will it end?

Money? I tried to do photography but end up i can't make it grow, now i'm forcing myself to do MLM, still all i got is rejection after rejection after rejection from friends and also love ones. I'm tired :(

Today/Yesterday i really committed the biggest mistake in my whole 28 years living, which is forgetting her birthday. I really don't know what has happen to me that i can forget it. And all i could say is i'm sorry :( . This got me thinking... am i really the 1 for her? Do she deserve better that someone like me? When she mention the people that remembers her birthday, it really got me thinking how useless I am. It's such a simple thing and i can forget it, i really feels like banging my head straight to the wall and let it bleed :(

I think this is what happen to long distance relationship. Feelings will be put to the test and if you can't pull through then thats the end. It really scares me when i thought of this, will i forget again? if yes then will it be the end? i really don't want i really don't want i really don't want!

I really can't think how should i continue to write, too many things has gotten my mind crowded. I think i should just stop here.

Reflections

Wow, last post in this blog is May. Latest post is December, looks like its been some time since I come over here. So how has 2010 fared for me? Well to me there's lots of ups and downs, lots of first and a whole lot more =p

How should I start off?

• Well finally I've graduated from my studies and obtain the degree that I've always wanted with a not so bad result too :P There's 1 person who I really must thank, the 1 person who help me through my struggles with my studies. Thanks a lot dear! Thanks for the help, the support and the encouragement !
• Finally decided to go out of my comfort zone and try something new with my job. Found my first job after graduation with a new company, after 3 years with my previous company. Its really an eye opener to me, after working mainly in a technical team for 3 years and now I am in a support field which means meeting lots and lots of strangers and helping them to solve their problems.
• I've sign up for world vision programme where I adopted and support a random child around the globe. My child is from China and his name is Kun Zhao. All the child are selected from 3rd world country where some of them do not have any proper food, clothes and also education. 
• Relationship wise.. well most of the ups and downs comes from there, we've been together for more than 2 and half year, it's really special for us to last so long. Yeah we did argue a lot, sometimes on very small things, but from that we grew a lot, learning how to tolerate on each other's weakness and rely on each other's strong points. So basically through arguments we grew :) For me personally, I've started to feel the pressure of being responsible, pressure of becoming someone she can rely on and pressure to be an adult. I've never had this kind of feeling, all i thought of is living a day like normal and let it pass without any surprise. Thats the old me, until i meet her.. looking back at it i could say wow how much time i've left behind, if i were to meet her sooner maybe it will be different :p Anyway its too late to look back at the things in the past, let it be a reminder that i must CHANGE, BE RESPONSIBLE and CARE for all the things she's done for me :D So for 2011, I'll make myself to be someone she can rely on no matter what :)
• Photography wise, this is the year where I started fully on my wedding photography business, although it didn't goes so well but I'll keep a positive mindset and look forward for 2011 ^^. Looking back at how much i've grew from someone who's shy to meet up shy to take risk, I can say its all worth it. I've manage to secure my first wedding client from a total stranger although it wasn't that 100% smooth but at least I've did it! For my 2011, I'll go all out on it. Meeting up with new friends and photographers and grow my network even bigger :D

Well.. i started writing this while listening to One Republic's  Good Life. To me 2010 is indeed a good life, lots of ups and downs, lots of opportunities to grow. Good Bye 2010 thanks for everything! and Hello 2011 good to see you! Lets work together to grow even more !

To let go Or Not To let go?

Honestly I'm tired, tired of everyone moving ahead of me although we started almost the same time. Tired of not getting any result after trying different ways. Everytime i comfort myself saying don't worry do your best, grab every chance you come onto, try your best to create some opportunity. I hate to lie to myself, but those words are getting harder and harder to comfort me :(

Everytime i browse my friend's result, all i can describe 'Envy' what did i did wrong? Am i really not good? I wonder sigh..

And when i think bout the future its really scary, as times goes by its getting harder and harder to achieve my goals. So should i really let go of it and go for something else?

Im confuse and equally sad as this is the 1 thing i really love doing and there's time i really think i can see myself excelling in it. So should i just let the fire burnt out and treat it as something common? Sigh.. :(

Story..

This is a very short story bout someone special in my heart. Lets call her S. S is a cute gal, she likes to argue, like to be on the winning side and also very eager to know what im doing all the time haha. You can describe her a very feisty lil gal too. At times she can be very dead serious and sometimes she can be very funny and sometimes very shy. ^^

She may read this or she may not. But right now she's having a rough time with her work and the worst thing is i couldn't help :( My dear, I'm sorry that i can't do anything to help you with the trouble you're facing. Sometimes i just feel rather useless not being able to contribute anything.

Dear, I promise you that I'll try my best to make things work for us. No matter what happen i will not give up till i get what i dreamt of which is holding your hands and hearing you saying "I do" *Blushed*

"She's everything i wanted,
She is funny and she is cute,
She can be scary when she's angry,
She can be very caring too,
What a weird gal she is,

Having her in my life is wonderful,
She change my world,
She makes me feel alive,
She fills up my empty spaces,
What a weird gal she is,

I guess i've found,
Found someone who would walk by me,
Hold my hand and follow me all the way,
I love you!"

Thoughts~

Honestly I'm quite messy right now, sigh... everything i did seems wrong.. what ever i think is correct turns out the other way :(

Take photography as an instance, I thought i found a great partner that will work together to build our profile but too bad he's more interested in his gf than photography :(.

I've ask around how to charge for an assignment and i charge according to the market price, but it seems not anyone interested with it.. then i charge cheaper but end up being 'advice' because i didn't follow the market price .. again.. sigh :(

I saw someone posted that they r looking for dealers to sell their products.. i emailed them but no replied :(

Sigh someone i felt that there's so much obstacles infront of my :( Life is hard but c'mon can't i have a break? I'm not saying i gave up but i've source for so much opportunities but till now i still haven't see any light at the end of the road.

Just my personal ranting of what's going on with me lately.. somehow i can't just keep it inside of my.. its suffocating :(